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Expectations
Ah, the holiday season is upon us. All about family. All about friends. All about gifts and food and happy gatherings. All about depression. Many folks go all out for the holidays. Many folks just can't. They can't bring themselves to enjoy this time of year for one reason or another. This is the time of year that many suffer from almost incurable depression. You can hear their cries already: “My family is so dysfunctional that Christmas is just another day to be verbally or emotionally abused.”…”Christmas just isn’t what it once was, now that so many of my family members have moved away or just don’t care about getting together.”…”I don't have enough time/money/friends/family to properly celebrate this day.”…”I get so lonely during the holidays.” The cries are heartfelt and sincere. But the truth often is that we set ourselves up for depression. I think we tend to establish unrealistic expectations for the holidays. It’s not our fault. Television and those with financial interests in the holidays create images of Christmas that no one can live up to. Then there is our memory of Christmases so long ago when we had happy families. Or at least we seem to recall happy families. Maybe they weren’t so happy. Or maybe they were happier because, as children, we didn’t have expectations and took holidays pretty much as they came troubles and all. I think about this a lot this time of year especially since my mom died. See, Mom was a person who used to have high expectations for every holiday. She harbored a deep, lifelong yearning - a pining, if you will - to have The Perfect Holiday. I'm not sure what exactly Mom's Perfect Holiday looked like, because ours were always messy. Christmas trees lost their leaves. Turkeys got overcooked or underdone. It snowed and the electricity would go out and we couldn't cook anything. Kids got colds, croup, flu and measles. Grownups got heart attacks, high blood pressure and sometimes even died around the holidays. Baby's got born. Folks moved to other parts of the world or got drafted or divorced. Folks would even fight and sit with arms folded over a delectable dinner. No holiday was ever perfect. But it didn't keep Mom from striving for perfection. She sweat and huffed and worked her fingers to the bone. She held her breath and fussed and fumed and exploded in fits of temper a two-year-old would envy. Mom ruined more holidays for herself -- spent many holidays in a state of depression -- by insisting we have this or that particular food, or we had to gather at her house on THE day and no other, or it had to have certain people and no others around a table that was set just-so with perfect linens and china. I wanted her to be happy. I loved her more than she might have ever known. But I watched her, year after year, make herself (and others) miserable by her own expectations. The thing was, I noticed, in between those stressful holidays our extended family would gather informally on numerous unremarkable (non-holiday) occasions. They were unremarkable except for one thing: we had a blast. And there were no expectations. We gathered for impromptu potluck dinners and cookouts or we'd just pop in unannounced on each other at all times of the year. There would be music and laughter and joking and good eats and a martini or two. Or there were evenings my folks would sit on the front porch after supper chatting with neighbors. And family would stop by and they'd all end up playing pinochle around the kitchen table. So I began to believe that this was what was really important: our family and our friends loved each other and made time for each other and whatever the food was it was delicious because we were eating it together. And the real importance of any holiday is to remind those of us who don't take time for family and friends in between times that it is important to do this. It really doesn't matter whether we do it ON THE DAY or anywhere near the Day. It isn't important where we celebrate our love for each other. It isn't important if there’s a turkey or gifts or a tree or snow. It is important that we do it. Period. I have come to realize that I am happier when I have no expectations for the holidays. Oh, the trappings of the Day are nice and evoke fond memories. But the significant thing is taking the time to be with those we love…whenever we can. Then if we intentionally try to create new traditions each Christmas, establish our own new standards for recognizing the holidays maybe we can be happier and shed some of our depression. * Visit Donna Chavez and subscribe to her newsletter for more positive inspiration!
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