inspired to journal

what is love?
by Nan Fischer

an unsent letter

*

we talked the other day about how you think the words i love you are used too loosely. i'm not sure i agree, because i tell my friends every day that i love them. because i do. people that i love, i tell them every day. 

just about a year ago, some friends of mine were murdered, a man and his 10 year old daughter. needless to say, the community was appalled, and we still are, but after that, i decided that telling people you care about them every day is important, because you may never get another chance. we just don't know, do we? 

so i make a real effort to tell people i love them, not only when they need to hear it, but when i feel like saying it. it makes us both feel better. i love to tell people i love them, because it takes them by surprise, and they get a soft, warm look on their face.

i sent you an email yesterday, and it said love, nan at the bottom. then i got one from you today, and it said love, kevin on the bottom. and i looked at that word on your email and thought to myself that is a very common word, and suddenly it had no meaning. 

isn't that weird? 

i've looked at that word several times today trying to figure out what it means, and suddenly i'm not so sure. fondly and warmly and hotly say so much more! they say real emotions, whereas love says ... what?

if you told me tomorrow that you love me, i'd have to ask what does that mean? what is love between a man and a woman? i love my kids, but not the kind of love you just say i love you. it defies words. it's more emotion. it's action, like sticking up for them when they are getting picked on. holding them on a bad day and letting them cry it out. surprising them with treats and watching their faces light up. it's nothing you think about, you just do it. you just love them.

i was taught that love means i control you. i don't hear you. i play games with your head. i dangle a carrot on a stick, but never give it to you. your A grades in school aren't good enough. i hit you with a belt. i'm not home for you after school. i make you go skiing, even though you hate it. i can fondle your body, and so can the neighbor. i make you the scapegoat for my mistakes. i never say i'm sorry.

so, tell me, what does love mean? that you are fond of me? then say fondly. that you are hot for me? then say hotly. 

does love mean you'll listen to me, support me, appreciate me, cherish me, nurture me, be my best friend, allow me to be independent yet take care of me, respect me, hold me in a thunderstorm, make me laugh, hear me cry, be gentle with me, work out the rough spots with me, cook me dinner, be honest with me, caress me just so, kiss me just so, give me room to grow, help me grow, grow with me? 

well, then, love me. 

and i will love you back.

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