inspired to journal

For Paula
by Nan Fischer

I've been going through my old journals looking for one I took to the mountains with me back in l983 or l984. I camped out for 4 days and hiked all over the White Mountains of New Hampshire with my dog. I have a picture of her passed out from exhaustion! I worked her hard! I also wrote a lot on that trip. There was a quiet camping spot with a place where I hung a hammock, but I spent most of my writing time at the picnic table.

I can't find that journal, but I stumbled on another one from 1984, which is fascinating! Below are notes I took from a book I read after a major relationship fell apart. He and I had talked of marriage and children and grandchildren, then he just... changed his mind?!! I was in a tailspin for a long time over that, but when I met this man, I knew he had come into my life for a reason. It wasn't clear at the time, but this became a life-altering experience, a major turning point.

The book is called Women as Winners, by Dorothy Jongeward. This is directly out of my journal, but I also added a few comments as I wrote this article.

Things to do to change:

stop: 
living in the past
looking for a rescue
waiting 'until'

start: 
living now
developing your own potential
setting realistic goals for your own accomplishment
believing that you can be your own fairy godmother for the goals you set

stop: 
rescuing people who don't want it, are not ready for it, don't respond to it

See yourself as a child getting what would have met your needs. Repeat this over and over. What feeling do you experience? What can you do to get that feeling now?

The following list comes directly from my journal, also. I see these as things we judge ourselves by. They come from outside influences, usually, and CAN be shed.

don't
don't be
don't be you
don't be sane
don't make it
don't be close
don't be a child
don't be a grown-up
don't be important
don't belong
don't think
don't feel

don't enjoy sex
don't be natural
don't like yourself
don't exist
don't change
don't be happy

Lots of don'ts, huh? Wow... Even I am surprised! I have a few of these checked that I felt I needed to work on back then. See which ones apply to you, and see how you can make positive affirmations to put a DO in front of each phrase.

This list is interesting, too.

the importance of:
your intelligence
your education
your vocation
earning money
your relationship to men
your body
your future duties

On the next page, I listed things I like about myself. Try it! We tend to focus on what needs repair, not what isn't broken. My list of positive qualities has grown over the years, as I keep on this search for who I am. I have narrowed down my negative attributes to just a few. Of course, I tend to magnify those in hard times, but, ultimately, I know my good qualities outweigh the bad. 

I think the following also came from the same book. On this page in my journal, I had only the author's name written down.

The autonomous woman:
sheds unrealistic feelings - guilt, passivity, ugliness, perfectionism
filters old patterns through the adult
listens to and feels the inner child
responds to genuine needs, filters out irrational adaptations
takes responsibility for her own feelings (anger, depression, kicking herself)
knows that there is no magic that will change her life
strengthens the adult by making new choices and doing what is best for her
takes steps to bring more positive forces into her life

A few other things jotted down are: be in touch with inner judge

get strokes and enjoy them!

be your feelings

find the best in others

know that one life has breathed easier because you lived

On that note, I would like to dedicate this article to Paula Kohring, who has changed her life for the better by applying what she's read in my journaling columns. Thank you to you, Paula! You inspire me to keep going on bad days.

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